September 19, 2019
That's What He Said
Satire By Andrew Pridgen | @andrewjpridgen
Hi, I’m Guy Lewis, inventor and CEO of CryPillowTM. Like you, my wife found herself extremely frustrated with her pillow going at, getting mildewy, or becoming soaked from the frequency that she cried into it.
I can’t tell you how many times she couldn’t get to sleep because of the sopping wet mess left after a typical evening of drinking wine and attempting to watch TV with me as I explained to her things like why women athletes can’t earn as much as men because they simply aren’t that interesting to watch, hence less ticket sales and jersey sales. Damn, I love my jerseys.
She had a terminal case of what I call “Ugly Cry FaceTM” and it made her so much less fuckable, like when someone rolls over for a post-brunch, mid-morning sesh and wants to discuss the latest Elizabeth Warren policies. Sure, they might be the most well thought-out and viable options any candidate has thrown out there, but I’m a Bernie Bro through and through.
As the inventor and entrepreneur in the family, I regularly forced myself, to like really look at her in the morning, her face seemingly smashed to one side. Finally, one day, while putting on my funky socks with the chicks hatching from my latest company’s logo, I said, “You have a problem, honey. I can fix it.”
Instead of changing my behavior to relieve her of unnecessary stress, it’s off to my workshop I went, doing what I do best. I decided the only way to help her sleep through the night was to get rid of her worn-out, tear-streaked pillow.
And what a difference it’s made.
Now, in the morning, as she patiently waits for me to get out of the shower (even though she’s running late), instead of looking at me with bloodshot eyes a runny nose, she gazes admiringly at me as do that thing I do when I’m naked in front of the mirror, flexing and checking out my teeth up close (for like 20 minutes).
Before CryPillow, she got dressed and did whatever she did to get herself and the kids out of the door with little more than a goodbye grunt. Now, refreshed, she does it with a smile.
I’d be lying if I said I invented the CryPillowTM just for her and her peace of mind. Sending her off into the world in a slightly better, or at least different mood, enables me to have the house to myself. I can jerk off, send a couple Slacks to the team with “The Office” gifs, and schedule a 1 o’clock Zoom with my product manager who has been spending a lot of time in Vail, “Slaying and Playing.” Love that guy. Known him since college.
CryPillowTM is made in the USA, designed in our lab by women and for women who cry all the fucking time: women of color, women who are elected officials, women on dating apps, mothers, grandmothers, professional athletes who don’t earn as much as men, women who work in marketing departments and aren’t ever able to speak in meetings. Women who are stalked on LinkedIn, in real life, in Ubers, at bars, in line at the deli counter, before or after yoga or pilates. We have a roster of world-class criers who continuously A/B test our product. And the results speak for themselves.
In other words, EVERY woman who works for us is also a PROUD USER of our product!
Innovation is also the key to our success. That’s why this fall we’ll be introducing a whole new line, including: the Travel CryPillowTM, with special sound muffling capability for when you just have to let it go on an airplane but also want privacy. The CryPillowTM Eye Shade for when you only have two or three minutes during a break in a meeting to go throw down a bathroom cry and don’t want to come back with puffy eyes. The CryPillowTM Sleep Mask wicks away the involuntary tears that come when you’re sleeping, so you wake up looking and feeling fresh. The Car Cry- PillowTM which is, from what I’m told, pretty self- explanatory. And, my personal favorite, the Desk CryPillowTM, which attaches to the base of your keyboard and automatically puts itself away. And finally, our CryPillowTM App, which algorithmically tracks your day and optimizes your crying times, setting a timer for you to be done and back to work, back to life, back to your day!
At CryPillowTM we believe you. And we’re here for you, every day. “Every. Single. Tear of the way."
You too can own your very own Cry Pillow. Shop it here.