Ride The Wave

By Melanie Briggs

Believe me when I tell you I will take your eye out. At the very least, you are at risk of being waterboarded.

By my vagina.

Haters—in this case, a group that is made up almost entirely of male medical doctors—will tell you that female ejaculation is a myth. This is the same group of people who couldn’t figure out that women suffered from fainting spells because their corsets were literally suffocating them, so I’m going to need them to take several seats for this conversation. 

Any man who has ever had his face anywhere near my vagina will tell you it is the realest thing since climate change (any man who has ever gained access to my vagina most definitely believed the science of climate change—actually, “Cl!mateCh@ngeIsReal1234” is the password to my vagina). 

There was the young sweet boy who was 13 years my junior, still in his 20s (this is me taking a bow for that one), and had never experienced female ejaculation before until he actually jumped back a little bit when it came straight at his eye. Bless him. He took it in stride. I like to think I prepared him to take on the world.

There was the only man I have been with in the last five years that was older than me (taking another bow) who actually had a separate mattress on hand for when I came over. Because sometimes there just aren’t enough towels. 

However, if his house had ever caught on fire while I was there, I would have come in handy.

But this is not intended as a testimony to my squirting prowess. Had the porn industry not started featuring it, and thereby started normalizing—if not fetishizing it—at the same time, I wouldn’t be telling a soul. Or having sex. Because the shame and embarrassment would have been too much. It’s already a lot. Before any encounter, I have to have a talk that starts out with, “So… are you familiar with female ejaculation?” Every man will tell you he is. But I’ve discovered that isn’t always the case. 

As a result, I always show up with my own towels. 

Every man will also assume that female ejaculation is synonymous with orgasm. Why wouldn’t it be? That’s how it works with men. (Have another seat, boy doctors.)

Every man will also assume that every woman can ejaculate. If they aren’t, it’s obviously because they haven’t been with the right man, and they are the heroes for the job. All of those things are incorrect.

And every man will assume you’re just peeing on him. Because female ejaculate comes from the urethra, just like pee. And if it comes out of the same place as pee, it must be pee. Think about that one for a minute, boy doctors. We’ll wait.

None of those things are true. Female ejaculation is synonymous with arousal, but not with orgasm. As far as anyone knows, not all women ejaculate when they are aroused (so no matter how many times you tell a woman to cum, it might not be a thing that she does, or needs to do, so calm down.) And it’s not pee. It’s produced by our prostate, which, much like the G-spot, does indeed exist.

These are all things that will become obvious once there are more women doctors in the world and as we become more open about what happens between the sheets. (Or towels. Or mattresses.) There should be no shame in how we cum and don’t cum.

But for now, be prepared with a face mask and a squeegee. Because you could lose an eye.